When a Beginning Feels Like an Ending

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Every entrepreneur's story starts differently. Some begin with a trust fund or a significant loan from a parent. Some begin with an investor or a partner willing to cover upfront expenses. Some begin with big plans, big dreams, and big goals.

Mine began… well, by being fired.

Here’s the short version of the story: I thought I had landed my dream job. I was going to work for the justice ministry of a church that had hopes of becoming more inclusive to both people of color and those who were poor. They were building a huge center to provide support in a number of ways to the community- from food and clothes to dentistry and pro bono legal services. The congregation was becoming increasingly diverse and the leadership said it wanted to create a sense of belonging for new members. They needed a person who understood justice, inclusivity, and organizational change. I was ready.

Or so I thought.

I was shifted around the department, looking for the “right fit” for me. When I pushed for changes or challenged decisions because they would not support the goals of justice and inclusivity, I was told to be patient, to wait, to trust… at first. The more I spoke up, the worse the language became. Soon my supervisors were wondering aloud if I was becoming toxic, if I was suffering from groupthink, and questioning my commitment to my job and my team.

I spent about two years trying to find the balance. How could I maintain my own value of dignity for all persons (including myself) and try to contort myself into the culture whose highest value was actually assimilation? I tried, but I couldn't do both.

Eventually, I was pulled into a meeting. The meeting began by listing all the things I wasn't good at in my job. Then I was told that all of my team members (30 people) had discussed feeling like I didn't want to be there. And finally, I was asked the fatal question, “Do you really think God wants you to be here?”

For those unfamiliar, this is the way churchy people tell you to fire yourself.

I was asked if I might be willing to leave in two weeks, at the end of which my team would conveniently be out of town at an all-department retreat. I would not attend the retreat, and when they returned, I would simply be gone.

It’s hard to describe my feelings that day, but something in me was crushed. I felt like a failure. My confidence took a nosedive. I had spent so much time trying to make myself smaller and smaller and smaller, and now I felt small inside. I was devastated and unsure of everything.. unsure of myself. Was I bad at every part of my job? Is that why I was moved around so much, because I couldn't cut it? Did my entire team think I didn't want to be there? DID THEY TAKE A VOTE? When did this discussion even happen? Was I just expendable? I couldn't figure out what was true and what was a lie.

It was a new beginning, but it felt like a startling ending.

Though I didn't leave at the end of those two weeks, I did start having to take inventory of myself… of all the things I had lost and of all the things I had learned.

There was a particular moment when I came face to face with just how much I had lost myself. It was just a couple of months after being asked to fire myself. I was in a new location, with a new supervisor, and a new team. We were in a small circle of only 5 people, brainstorming elements for a Sunday service on justice. I listened quietly as the other 4 shared ideas and listed them on the whiteboard nearby. Suddenly my supervisor looked directly at me and invited me to share an idea.

My body trembled. I was so scared of looking ridiculous, of being dismissed, of not measuring up to the others in the room. I rocked in my folding chair, balancing myself on the two front legs while leaning my chest against the table. My hands were wringing underneath. I looked only at her as I responded with a tiny idea. The rest of the team nodded favorably, and my supervisor wrote my idea on the board.

I cried. Full. On. Cried.

I couldn't believe that my idea made it onto the board. Never in my life had I been afraid to speak my mind before that “dream job”. Something had broken inside of me, and I needed to find some healing. I committed then to unearthing my internal wounds and rediscovering myself.

And let me tell you, it required a lot of honesty with myself. It was time to start taking inventory. What was I genuinely, truly bad at in my job? What was I good at in my job, even if my supervisors didn't agree. When did I really thrive in my job and what was happening that set me up for success? When did I disappoint myself and what was happening there? Were there any patterns I noticed about myself from previous jobs that remained true even in this job I was so excited to have? What I had I ignored during the job interview process, because I thought I could change or that they would?

Here are just a handful of aha moments:

Friends, I could go on forever, listing the ways I am beautiful and flawed, skilled and chaotic, quirky and average. Knowing these things about myself helped me make the next right decision for myself.

Perhaps you are at a crossroads in your life- a job that is restructuring, a realization that you want to leave, or perhaps the pandemic has given you a new opportunity… I don't know the circumstances, but I know that major transitions are often hard, a little unexpected, and can challenge your sense of self.

If you are thinking about a major transition for yourself, I hope you will first take inventory of who you are -beyond what you should be-beyond what you have been told you must be -beyond shame -beyond the status quo

When you exist on the margins, wounded because you are not a “fit” within your organization… people are quick to share their opinion of what’s wrong with you. But you tell me… who are you?

You have probably already been asking yourself questions like, “who the hell do they think they are!” (as you should lol) But don't stop there…

What is true about the way you like to work?

What lies have you believed about yourself due to a workplace culture clash?

As you look back over your working history, when were you happiest and why?

What healing do you need from toxic workplaces?

Are you clear about your strengths, weaknesses, and the skills you can grow?

Who are you?

The highly popular Morgan Harper Nichols (MHN) is a remarkable and unique artist, designer, and writer. Through handwritten prose and with every watercolor stroke, she liberates women with hope and self-love wrapped in grace and creativity. MHN's work is the perfect catalyst for new beginnings and a new year. https://morganharpernichols.com/

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*The disclaimer: The information provided in this newsletter does not constitute legal, tax accounting or professional advice, but is designed to provide general information relating to business and commerce.*